Publication date: 1993
Story and inks (and layouts): Mike Hunt (Bill Fitts)
Pencils: Harry Ball (Dan Seneres)
Letters: Heywood Jablowme (Steve Lavigne)
“The Birds, the Bees and the Turtles!”
Down in the sewer lair, Leo, Don and Mike are watching porn together and discussing where everyone has gone. Raph is currently on vacation with Ninjara while Splinter has gone to see April about “something”. Don and Mike both decide to go take a nap and tell Leo to wake them when it’s time for sparring practice.
At a hotel room, Raph is busy lighting up a joint when Ninjara comes out of the bathroom in stockings, crotchless panties and a dog collar.
At April’s apartment, Splinter knocks on the door. April answers and Splinter asks if she can help him with something.
Back in the lair, Don sneaks into Mike’s room and the two Turtles begin making out. Mike proceeds to suck Don’s dick because oh god why. Leo decides that it’s time for sparring practice and storms into Mike’s room. He catches the two having anal sex and slams the door in horror. Leo panics and tries to call Raph’s hotel room for help.
Raph ignores the phone as he’s too busy with foreplay to notice. Ninjara asks him to use that big “bo” of his and Raph proceeds to penetrate her, shouting “COWABUNGA” all the while.
Still panicking, Leo hurries over to April’s apartment to seek advice from Splinter. He walks in on Splinter and April getting it on and proceeds to have a mental breakdown. Waving a dildo angrily at Leo, Splinter scolds his supposedly brightest pupil for being the last of his brothers to learn “the ways of life”. Leo says he doesn’t understand “the ways of life” so April agrees to teach him… with a blowjob.
Outside April’s window, Shredder watches Splinter and Leo double-time April and and begins jerking off (carefully avoiding his razor-sharp cock ring). Shredder shakes his free fist in defeat, cursing himself for always being left masturbating out in the cold.
*This comic was created by Bill Fitts as a farewell gift to the Mirage staff and was not intended for commercial circulation. Only 50 copies were published and it was distributed exclusively amongst Mirage employees.
*It languished in secrecy until Steve Murphy sold his copy on eBay back in 2009 and it was shared amongst the (bewildered) fandom at The Technodrome Forums. Props to Archon Turtle for scanning and sharing this and traumatizing us all!
*This issue featured two bonus pin-ups by Seneres: One of Don and another Turtle drooling over an issue of “Playturtle”, and one of all four Turtles getting Ninjara a towel as she steps out of the shower.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!
Yes, this thing is real. At least when my future psychiatrist asks, I’ll be able to pinpoint the exact moment I lost the will to live.
For those who don’t remember, Fitts and Seneres were the writer/artist duo behind the two Raph/Ninjara romance stories published in TMNTAdventures Special #10. So naturally, they produced a TMNT Adventures porn comic in their spare time. I mean, c’mon. Wouldn’t you?
Luckily, I have a functional sense of humor, so I found this thing to be hilarious. Gross, weird, insane… but hilarious. I think what separates this from online smut, other than its pseudo-official publication, is that “The Birds, the Bees and the Turtles” was meant as a joke and not something to legitimately get off on. I’m sure some creepy individuals at Mirage probably got off on it ANYWAY, but hey, whatever gets you through the night. It’s full of gross-out humor, for sure, but damn if some of it wasn’t funny. Little details like April’s arsenal of dildos and Shredder’s serrated cock ring… How can I NOT laugh?
It took 16 years for the existence of this thing to be revealed to the world at large. It makes you wonder how many things like this are floating around out there, right? Does Dave Sim have a dozen copies of an official Cerebus porn comic sitting in his dresser drawer? After discovering that this comic exists, I’d believe just about anything.
On a related note, I wonder where the other 49 copies of “The Birds, the Bees and the Turtles” are? They’ve got to be out there somewhere. If you ever obtain a copy, you can always get Steve Lavigne to sign it for you at his comic shop, Shellback Artworks. I’m sure he’d be thrilled.
Maybe someday IDW can reprint this along with the Ninjara serial published in that furry fap rag. They could call it “TMNT Adventures: The Traumatizing Collection”. I can't think of a single reason Nickelodeon wouldn't give the green light.
Grade: WTF (as in, “W… T… F…”)