Publication date: 1993
Story and inks (and layouts): Mike Hunt (Bill Fitts)
Pencils: Harry Ball (Dan Seneres)
Letters: Heywood Jablowme (Steve Lavigne)
“The Birds, the Bees and the Turtles!”
Summary:
Down in the sewer lair, Leo, Don and Mike are watching
porn together and discussing where everyone has gone. Raph is currently on vacation with Ninjara
while Splinter has gone to see April about “something”. Don and Mike both decide to go take a nap and
tell Leo to wake them when it’s time for sparring practice.
At a hotel room, Raph is busy lighting up a joint when
Ninjara comes out of the bathroom in stockings, crotchless panties and a dog
collar.
At April’s apartment, Splinter knocks on the door. April answers and Splinter asks if she can
help him with something.
Back in the lair, Don sneaks into Mike’s room and the two
Turtles begin making out. Mike proceeds
to suck Don’s dick because oh god why.
Leo decides that it’s time for sparring practice and storms into Mike’s
room. He catches the two having anal sex
and slams the door in horror. Leo panics
and tries to call Raph’s hotel room for help.
Raph ignores the phone as he’s too busy with foreplay to
notice. Ninjara asks him to use that big
“bo” of his and Raph proceeds to penetrate her, shouting “COWABUNGA” all the
while.
Still panicking, Leo hurries over to April’s apartment to
seek advice from Splinter. He walks in
on Splinter and April getting it on and proceeds to have a mental breakdown. Waving a dildo angrily at Leo, Splinter scolds his supposedly
brightest pupil for being the last of his brothers to learn “the ways of
life”. Leo says he doesn’t understand
“the ways of life” so April agrees to teach him… with a blowjob.
Outside April’s window, Shredder watches Splinter and Leo
double-team April and begins jerking off (carefully avoiding his
razor-sharp cock ring). Shredder shakes
his free fist in defeat, cursing himself for always being left masturbating out
in the cold.
Turtle Tips:
*This comic was created by Bill Fitts as a farewell gift
to the Mirage staff and was not intended for commercial circulation. Only 50 copies were published and it was
distributed exclusively amongst Mirage employees.
*It languished in secrecy until Steve Murphy sold his
copy on eBay back in 2009 and it was shared amongst the (bewildered) fandom at
The Technodrome Forums. Props to Archon Turtle for scanning and sharing this and traumatizing us all!
*This issue featured two bonus pin-ups by Seneres: One of
Don and another Turtle drooling over an issue of “Playturtle”, and one of all
four Turtles getting Ninjara a towel as she steps out of the shower.
Review:
Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!
For those who don’t remember, Fitts and Seneres were the
writer/artist duo behind the two Raph/Ninjara romance stories published in TMNT Adventures Special #10. So naturally,
they produced a TMNT Adventures porn comic in their spare time. I mean, c’mon. Wouldn’t you?
Luckily, I have a functional sense of humor, so I found
this thing to be hilarious. Gross,
weird, insane… but hilarious. I think
what separates this from online smut, other than its pseudo-official
publication, is that “The Birds, the Bees and the Turtles” was meant as a joke
and not something to legitimately get off on.
I’m sure some creepy individuals at Mirage probably got off on it
ANYWAY, but hey, whatever gets you through the night. It’s full of gross-out humor, for sure, but
damn if some of it wasn’t funny. Little
details like April’s arsenal of dildos and Shredder’s serrated cock ring… How
can I NOT laugh?
It took 16 years for the existence of this thing to be
revealed to the world at large. It makes
you wonder how many things like this are floating around out there, right? Does Dave Sim have a dozen copies of an
official Cerebus porn comic sitting in his dresser drawer? After discovering that this comic exists, I’d
believe just about anything.
On a related note, I wonder where the other 49 copies of “The
Birds, the Bees and the Turtles” are?
They’ve got to be out there somewhere.
If you ever obtain a copy, you can always get Steve Lavigne to sign it
for you at the next con he's invited to.
I’m sure he’d be thrilled.
Maybe someday IDW can reprint this along with the Ninjara serial published in that furry fap rag.
They could call it “TMNT Adventures: The Traumatizing Collection”. I can't think of a single reason Nickelodeon wouldn't give the green
light.
