Perrier in The Old Switcheroo!

Originally published in: Turtle Soup (Vol. 2) #4

Publication date: February, 1992

Story and art: Mark Martin

“Perrier in The Old Switcheroo!”

Summary:

April Mayjune has gone to Hicktown to interview Jacques le Cracques, the famous sponge-suit bootlegger.  April thinks this will win her a Gold Buttinski in investigative journalism, but when she finds the corpse of Jacques in a water tower, a nearby police officer mistakes her for the killer.  April is carted off to jail and uses her one phone call to beg Perrier for help.

Perrier arrives at the jail, but the lady at the front desk makes him check in his trusty microphone and locks him in the jail cell with April.  Just then, Jacques le Cracques turns up outside the cell, alive and well.  He explains that it was all a ruse: His corpse was a sponge-suit, the cop was him wearing a sponge-suit, the police car was also made of sponge and the old lady at the desk was his mother.

April wants to know why the big charade and he explains that back in France, the frogs love the Sushi Turtles and Perrier is the most popular.  He intends to sell bootleg Perrier sponge-suits and make millions. 

As he starts to measure Perrier, he hears the police outside tell him to surrender.  Being French, he surrenders immediately.  As Perrier and April take him away, Perrier reveals that he simply used a voice-throwing trick to make Jacques THINK the building was surrounded.  April phones the report in to her boss, Charles Pennyworth, and he tells her she’s sure to win a Gold Buttinski.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from “Viceroy in Action, Not Words!”.  It is the last of the Green-Grey Sponge-Suit Sushi Turtles comics.

Review:

There.  No more Sushi Turtle comics.

Grade: Thank God.

Viceroy in Action, Not Words!

Originally published in: Turtle Soup (Vol. 2) #3

Publication date: January, 1992

Story and art: Mark Martin

“Viceroy in Action, Not Words!”

Summary:

Viceroy has joined Kootie Jones and Dan-Dan-Dan Pennyworth for a game of Dungeons & Diapers, though the Sushi Turtle is not exactly grasping the concept of role-playing games.  Dan and Kootie try to explain to him the intricacies of die-rolling, percentages and artfully painted miniatures when suddenly there’s a great earthquake.

The trio find themselves inside a playpen being lorded over by Dr. Junior, an evil baby mad scientist from Dimension ABC.  He has built an interdimensional formula-draining apparatus to steal all the baby food from Earth.  And to make sure he succeeds, he’s bound Viceroy’s hands in ultra-soft Pampers diapers so that he can’t use his “clapster” technique to shut off the device.

Kootie and Dan try to use what they’ve learned from Dungeons & Diapers to cast spells, but nothing works.  As they argue, Viceroy stretches his eyelids as wide as he can and then slams them down full force, creating a clapping sound.

Later, Kootie and Dan resume their game, but they’re constantly interrupted by Viceroy and his clapping coming from upstairs.  In reality, the “clapping” is actually the sound of Viceroy delivering a well-deserved spanking to Dr. Junior.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from “Velveeduh in The One That Got Away”.  The story concludes in “Perrier in The Old Switcheroo!”.

Review:

Well, this installment in the Sushi Turtle shorts actually had a story to it, so that’s good.  It was a dumb story so, you know.  One step forward, two steps back.

I can’t really think of anything else to say about the short.  I’m mostly just reviewing these for posterity’s sake so the information is cataloged.  I don’t particularly like them.

Grade: I’m just not in the mood to grade this shit.

Velveeduh in The One That Got Away

Originally published in: Turtle Soup (Vol. 2) #2

Publication date: December, 1991

Story and art: Mark Martin

“Velveeduh in The One That Got Away”

Summary:

Velveeduh, master of the pocket fisherman, is out in the bay near the Styroplastics, Inc. factory to get a little fishing done.  Suddenly, a giant mutant fish leaps out of the water and swallows him whole before beaching itself.

Nearby, Match-Stik is trying to catch some rare and elusive fish in his quest for knowledge.  He hears Velveeduh calling him from the belly of the giant fish and, thinking the fish-itself is talking to him, rushes over to pick the fish’s brain about philosophy.

Velveeduh explains the situation to him and how he wants out of the fish’s belly, but Match-Stik insists that it’s for the betterment of science that he stay in there and learn all he can.  Match-Stik begins to deliver a stirring oration about tenacity in the pursuit of knowledge, which is enough to make the mutant fish puke Velveeduh up and leave.

Match-Stik is heartbroken over yet another lost opportunity to better himself, but Velveeduh cheers him up with a paraphrase from Dr. Seuss’s “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish”.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from “Toyoduh in The Naked City”.  The story continues in “Viceroy in Action, Not Words!”.

Review:

Yeah.  Uh… Yeah.  That was a comic, alright.  Velveeduh got eaten by a fish.  The fish threw him back up.  Everybody laughed.

You know, I could’ve saved myself four paragraphs if I’d just said THAT in the summary section.  Sheesh.

This installment in the Sushi Turtle series doesn’t really have the fun story that the last chapter had and is just sort of bland.  Well, not so much in the way of the art, as Martin’s spastic style and lush painted colors are always pleasing to the eye even when the scripting is never funny.

A very “meh” sort of story.

Grade: M (as in, “Meeeeehhhhhhh”.)

Toyoduh in The Naked City

Originally published in: Turtle Soup (Vol. 2) #1

Publication date: November, 1991

Story and art: Mark Martin

“Toyoduh in The Naked City”

Summary:

Toyoduh is in the lair, taking a shower, when he hears a knock at the door.  He stumbles his way to answer it, almost completely blind without his glasses.  He opens the door to find the Shooter, disguised as a salesman, who offers him a glasses-cleaning service.  Toyoduh says he can’t even find his glasses, but the Shooter says he’s found them for him and hands him a pair of x-ray specs.  As soon as Toyoduh puts them on, though, the Shooter runs away.

Toyoduh heads to the surface to find the “salesman”, only to see a naked old lady.  Actually, she’s fully clothed and HE’S the one that’s naked since he just got out of the shower.  The old lady screams for the police, but through the x-ray specs, all Toyoduh sees is a naked man running at him.  He resists arrest and gets bonked on the head with a nightstick and carted off to the precinct.

Toyoduh pleads his case to the judge, who turns out to be a coatrack.  The detectives on duty decide they’re sick of hearing Toyoduh talk and tell him that Merv Griffen paid his bail.  Toyoduh then heads back to the lair to finish his shower.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from Green-Grey Sponge-Suit Sushi Turtles: The Parody.  The story continues in “Velveeduh in The One That Got Away”.

*The table of contents in all issues of Turtle Soup list the Sushi Turtles stories by the names of the character appearing and not the full title.

Review:

I think this is the better way to enjoy Mark Martin’s stories: As short segments included as part of a larger anthology collection that spans different genres.  In that fashion, his random wackiness doesn’t overstay its welcome and drive the gimmick into the ground.  Also, when accompanied by a plethora of other stories that cover action, horror, drama and pathos, his goofy comedy angle feels more unique.  Martin’s long-form stories, be they as 50-page graphic novels or as 3-issue story arcs that span months, tend to be too much of an erratic style of storytelling which you grow numb to fairly quickly.

More than that, these short comics are just better written.  With the longer stories, Martin very clearly is trying to fill space, so the narrative gets stretched out with gratuitous nonsense and meaningless asides that serve no other purpose than to occupy 50 tedious pages.  When pigeonholed into 6 economical pages to tell a story, Martin trims the fat and focuses on structure and pacing.  The story doesn’t lose any luster because it’s “less” chaotic and random, but rather, the fact that the chaos and randomness punctuate a coherent narrative actually gives those elements emphasis.

And if you just think I’m picking on a certain style, like I have a stick up my ass about zany surrealist comedy, let’s make an example of another Turtle story that dabbled in a different genre.  “Turtle Dreams” by Steve Bissette is a great short comic that is deeply embedded in the horror genre.  But the reason it WORKS is because it’s a short strip included as part of a larger collection.  If it were nothing but 50 pages of Michelangelo getting his limbs brutally torn off, his rib cage cracked open and his organs devoured one by one, then it would be a terrible story with no substance.  But compressed down to a short narrative that trims the wheat from the chaff?  It works.

Martin’s contributions are much the same.  The Sushi Turtles, when required to star in 50 fucking pages, get old fast and the whole exercise feels tone deaf because there’s no contrast to give the wacky bullshit emphasis.  Cut down to 6 pages and as part of an anthology, though?  They’re actually pretty enjoyable.  I wouldn’t say this story was an absolute rib-tickler, but at least it read well.

Grade: B- (as in, “Bob Burden is still shit, though.  Go cry about it”.)

Green-Grey Sponge-Suit Sushi Turtles: The Parody

Publication date: 1990

Story and art: Mark Martin

“Green-Grey Sponge-Suit Sushi Turtles!”

Summary:

Action News reporter April Mayjune talks about the violent cult surrounding the current Batguy fad: teenagers turning into hoodlums in costumes emulating their pop culture icon.  She signs off and says good bye to Dan-Dan (son of her boss, Mr. Pennyworth) but is attacked in the parking lot by the Batguy clan.  She’s “rescued” by the Green-Grey Sponge-Suit Sushi Turtles, but they lose the fight and get dumped in the sewers.  Meanwhile, Dan-Dan runs away from home because his rich father doesn’t tough-love him.

The Turtles take April to their lair and she recognizes them as the previous pop culture fad that Batguy dethroned.  Their master, the rat Match-Stik, introduces them: Velveeduh (blue bandana), leader of the team and master of the pocket fisherman.  Toyoduh (purple bandana), egghead of the team and master of the loom.  Viceroy (orange bandana), joker of the team and master of the Clapper.  And Perrier (red bandana), tough guy of the team and master of the microphone.

Perrier, incidentally, storms off to go see a movie, but all they’re playing is “Batguy”.  He starts badmouthing Batguy and gets attacked by more Batguy clan members.  He’s saved by masked vigilante Kootie, a hardcore fan of the “real” Sushi Turtles who wishes they’d go back to their roots as dark and gritty indie comics characters.

Back in the lair, Match-Stik tells April their origin.  He was the pet rat of master chef Sushi and would mimic his tray arrangement skills from his cage.  When Sushi came to America, Match-Stik found himself all alone.  One day, he noticed Seymour feeding his blood to Audrey II from “Little Shop of Horrors” and when the plant spit the blood back up, it got on him and four turtles.  They all became intelligent and mutated, so he decided to teach them all he knew and they moved into the sewers below the Popeel TV marketing building.  Using the resources they found there, they became mass marketing sensations.

Elsewhere, second in command of the Batguy clan, Shih Tzu, kills an effeminate member of the clan named Home Bo for failing him.  Dan-Dan sees this and is horrified.  Shih Tzu then reports to his boss, the Shooter (a guy with a salad shooter on his head) and receives his orders to kill April Mayjune before she can investigate any further into the Batguy clan.

Perrier then comes home with Kootie still clinging to his back, making fan demands (like no more guest issues in the black and white comics).  Perrier drops a bookshelf on himself and is gravely injured.  Suddenly, the Batguy clan invades the lair and the Turtles and April flee with Viceroy grabbing Match-Stik (who was injured by a loaf of whale tongue).  When they get into April’s van, though, they discover that Viceroy grabbed Kootie by mistake.

At the Peter Warehouse on Kevin Island, Shih Tzu is torturing Match-Stik by making him listen to Prince’s soundtrack for the Batguy movie.

The heroes retreat to the Mayjune farmhouse upstate and Kootie tries to put the moves on April only to be smacked.  April decides to adapt this melodrama into a sitcom pitch and writes the theme song.  Apparently, Toyoduh won’t leave Perrier’s side until he recovers, Viceroy and Kootie are trying to turn her van into a Party Wagon to improve toy sales and Velveeduh has just received a psychic message from Match-Stik (actually, they’re communicating via their official Sushi Turtles walkie talkies).  Match-Stik tells them where to find him, though Shih Tzu and Shooter find the walkie talkie receiver and set a trap.

Still waiting to be rescued, Match-Stik tells the rest of his origin to Dan-Dan.  So basically, Sushi and Oroku Noogy were competing sushi chefs in Japan trying to get a perfect review from food critic Tang Jar.  When Sushi slept his way to a good review, Noogy tried to kill him but failed and was killed himself.  Tang Jar and Sushi fled to America, but Noogy’s brother, Oroku Soggy, swore vengeance.  He formed the Batguy clan to try and make raw bat sushi seem more appealing, but when Tang Jar rejected the dish, he killed her and Sushi.

Anyway, before the Sushi Turtles can arrive, they decide that the only way to beat the Batguy clan is to find their roots as grim and gritty underground comic book characters.  April makes them some darker costumes and they go to the Peter Warehouse on Kevin Island.  The Batguy clan attacks, but when the Turtles mention that Wheel of Fortune is on, they all clear out.

The Shooter and the Sushi Turtles do battle on the roof of the warehouse, but the Turtles ultimately lose, getting tied up in Toyoduh’s own loomed scarf.  Match-Stik shows up and tricks the Shooter (who removes his helmet to reveal that he’s Oroku Soggy) into getting tangled in the scarf.  The scarf then gets caught in his salad shooter helmet and Soggy is eviscerated.  Kootie then pulls up in his dump truck and takes off his mask.  When April sees how handsome he is, she finally falls for him.

Later, April pitches her sitcom to a TV exec who laughs it off until he sees the Sushi Turtles in person.  He mentions that his nephew loves their cereal.

Epilogue, Dan-Dan reconciles with his father, but now being a mature adult, he asks that he be called Dan-Dan-Dan from now on.

Turtle Tips:

*The story continues in “Toyoduh in The Naked City”.

*This is “the official, authorized parody” of TMNT: The Movie (or the comic adaptation, anyway).

Review:

Much like Bob Burden’s Flaming Carrot crossovers, this thing reads like a game of Mad Libs; stream of consciousness ran-dumb nonsense substituting for anything even remotely clever... substituting for JOKES, in fact.  It’s just a long, boring string of non sequiturs and I really had to fucking struggle to make it to the end of this book.  And I thought I’d never get there.

Mark Martin is a great artist and a great visual storyteller, but his writing can be some of the worst in the TMNT comics.  Tell me, does THIS sound like a joke to you?  “The purple wonton from planet Microwave invaded Pittsburgh to steal all its naval lint only to be thwarted by the dog from Frasier who fought back using a pogo stick made of Elmer’s glue, the end.”

Was that funny?  Was that comedy?  Was that clever?  Did it read like it took me more than 10 seconds to think of?  Or did it read like I was just stringing together all the nouns that first popped into my head?

Because that’s what this comic reads like; what MOST of Martin’s comics read like.  Nothing but dull “randomness” and pop culture references.  Maybe in a 22-page package it might be digestible, but in a 48-page graphic novel that shit is just exasperating.

When it comes to Martin, I’ve only ever read his TMNT-related work, but he seems to really have a hard-on for Batman.  His guest issue featuring Gnatrat was all a bad Dark Knight Returns parody and now this comic is inexplicably a commentary on the resurgence of Bat-Mania that was sweeping the nation thanks to the Tim Burton movie.  The “Batguy” fans are pitted against the Turtles mainly because, as Martin saw it, Batman was unseating TMNT as the current children’s media and pop culture juggernaut and so that seemed like some very contemporary commentary.

There’s kind of a neat observation buried in there.  “Batguy” was gaining in popularity because the new movie had “restored” the franchise to its dark and gritty roots while the “Sushi Turtles” were waning in popularity because the merchandising and children’s cartoons had robbed the brand of its dark and gritty roots.  A cute thing to point out, but again, not for 48 freakin’ pages.  It’s this one observation, this one nugget of substance, and Martin just drags it the hell out and before the halfway mark you’re just sick of hearing him reiterate the same point.

I did kind of chuckle at “Kootie” bitching about the guest issues of the black and white comic.  So I’ll give Martin that much.

Anyway, the script and humor is positively dreadful, but as with all Mark Martin TMNT issues, the art is wonderful.  Like I said, the man is an amazing VISUAL storyteller.  His pages are bursting with manic energy and the full color (all done by Martin) is vibrant, absolutely making the art pop.  There’s a painted quality to it that’s especially nice, reminiscent of his covers on TMNT Volume 1.  It’s just… jeez, this guy can’t write or tell jokes or pace or any of that other stuff that doesn’t involve putting pencil/brush to paper.

Green-Grey Sponge-Suit Sushi Turtles is awful in every aspect save the art.  There are four more of these stories, but hopefully they’ll be a little easier to stomach as they’re all short strips.  We’ll see.  As it stands, I just can’t recommend this to anybody unless they’re already a fan of Martin’s work.

Grade: F (as in, “For what it’s worth, the one page parody of Don Martin’s black and white MAD Magazine comics was a neat aside.  Don and Mark aren’t related… are they?”)