Originally published in: Turtle Soup (Vol. 1) #1
Publication date: September, 1987
Story and art: Bernie Shuman
Assisted by: Danny Shuman
“You’re in the Army Now”
Summary:
Lounging around April’s apartment, Leo and Don figure
they’re due for a vacation. April
suggests they visit her uncle in Trenton and they jump at the chance. Unfortunately, they arrive at the bus depot
late and have to chase down their ride.
They soon find that they’ve hopped onto the wrong bus, as they’re
dropped off at Fort Dix; an army boot camp facility!
Leo and Don try to explain the mix-up to Sgt. Heartbreak,
but he figures them for a couple of goldbricks trying to weasel out of their
enlistment. He sends them to get their
haircuts, uniforms and medical exams and the Turtles reluctantly comply.
4am the next morning, boot camp begins in earnest and Leo
and Don are put through the works: 4-mile marches, 20-mile hikes, tear gas
chamber, obstacle course, etc. Having trained
in ninjutsu their whole lives, they find Heartbreak’s regimen a breeze, but
feel he’s being too hard on some of the smaller recruits. Next up is one-on-one with the pugil sticks
and Heartbreak challenges any private to take him on. Seeing a chance to get some payback, Don
accepts and quickly knocks Heartbreak off his feet. Rather than get upset, however, Heartbreak is
impressed. When Lt. Jones calls him in
to warn him of a terrorist threat to their post ammo dump, Heartbreak suggests
putting his two best recruits, privates “Atello” and “Nardo”, on guard duty.
Leo and Don stand a lonely vigil outside the ammo dump
late into the night and, as predicted, a van full of terrorists open fire. The Turtles take cover as the terrorists
break into the ammo dump and begin looting the goodies. Don has a bright idea and the Turtles
commandeer a nearby tank. Don rolls over
the terrorists’ escape van then he and Leo take the villains out with
hand-to-hand combat. Heartbreak arrives
on the scene and sees that “Nardo” and “Atello” have everything under
control. He is so thrilled, he
decides to put them up for citation.
Later, April receives a letter from Leo and Don
explaining their predicament. Mikey and
Raph join her on a trip to Fort Dix to straighten things out. The General gladly offers Leo and Don
honorable discharges and the Turtles leave Fort Dix with April and their
brothers. Jokingly, Raph and Mike
suggest they take their next vacation at Parris Island.
Turtle Tips:
*To my knowledge, this story has never been reprinted.
*Parris Island is home to a Marine Corps recruitment center,
just in case that stupid parting joke was lost on anybody.
Review:
I was under the impression that Turtle Soup was meant to
showcase *short* TMNT comics. At 14
pages, “You’re in the Army Now” is nearly the length of a full issue and is far
and away the longest story in this anthology.
The gag overstays its welcome by at least 10 of those 14 pages and the
damn thing just keeps going and going and going…
So far as the basic premise of “the Turtles in boot camp”
goes, expect absolutely zero surprises from this one. The Turtles run laps, do obstacle courses and
even save the day by appropriating a tank because sure, nobody saw that clever
climax coming. About the only cliché
they don’t succumb to is a potato peeling scene, but I’m sure if Bernie Shuman
had been given another 10 pages we’d have gotten it.
Impressively, “You’re in the Army Now” manages to
avoid the ole “boy, this army life sure is rough! I tell ya!” bit. The Turtles, having trained in far worse
conditions since childhood, take to Boot Camp like a fish to water and breeze
through all the exercises. While Shuman
avoids such a hackneyed scenario, he also avoids establishing any sort of conflict for
most of the damn story. The terrorists
don’t enter the scene until page 9, so prior to that over half the damn comic
is nothing but the Turtles shrugging their shoulders and going “meh” at the
various torments of Army life.
And there aren’t any jokes, either. It’s just a damn boring comic that goes on FOREVER.
I’ve never had 14 pages take so long to get through in my life, and I’ve
read Chris Claremont.
Most of the lesser installments in the first volume of
Turtle Soup suffer from bad art or bad jokes, but they at least have the
decency to end it quickly. You’ll find
no such mercy in “You’re in the Army Now”.
Grade: F (as in, “For the sake of keeping the clichés going,
I can only assume that Sgt. Heartbreak’s dialogue was intended to be read in R.
Lee Ermy’s voice”.)
