TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #13

Publication date: Summer, 1993

Script: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Letters: Mary Kelleher

“The Riddle of the Rusty Scupper”

Summary:

The Turtles and April have travelled to the Caribbean to enjoy a well-earned vacation (after using all their quarters to trap Krang in a washing machine).  While lounging on the beach, they see an old pirate ship from the 1590s called the Rusty Scupper sail into view.  Greedy for treasure, all five of them board the ship.

They find a note challenging them to solve a riddle and lift the pirate ship’s curse.  The riddle: “What’s black and white and red all over?”  They’re immediately attacked by skeletal pirate ghosts who say that the curse forces them to do battle with anyone who boards their ship… at least until the riddle is solved.

The Turtles try a bunch of goofy answers, like “a skunk with a bad complexion” or “an embarrassed zebra”, but none of them lift the curse.  April suggests they try something more pirate-related and sees the Jolly Roger hoisted high.  She guesses “a skull and crossbones against the setting sun” and the pirates begin to vanish.  They thank her for freeing them before the Rusty Scupper vanishes, too (sending April and the Turtles plummeting into the water).

Later that night, the Turtles gather around a campfire and exchange bone-related puns.  Enduring this, April considers uttering a few curses herself.

Turtle Tips:

*This issue was preceded by TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #12.  It is the last issue in the series.

*The previous issue did not contain any comic content.  The last issue to feature a comic was TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #11.

Review:

Hey, another 6-pager.  That’s good!  Also, the last issue of the series.  That’s bad!

Or maybe not so bad, considering your feelings toward these comics.  But I don’t know why anyone would have strong feelings about these TMNT Magazine comics one way or the other.  They were a neat little bonus from the era, and the early issues introduced a lot of characters who’d go on to do greater things (be it in Archie’s TMNT Adventures or as part of the Playmates toyline), but they were pretty corny and inoffensive.  At their worst they were heavy handed with environmental messages and at their best they were a showcase for obscure characters we didn’t see very often.  Pretty middle of the road, but what do you expect from 4-to-6 pages every three months?

This issue in particular is a bit of a yawn-fest and doesn’t do much with the extra 2 pages aside from make room for more silly guesses at the riddle.  I did like the ghost pirates, but then, I think “The Fog” is a good movie, so what do I know?

Looking back over the whole 14-issue TMNT Magazine series (13 issues +1 special), it was very much a product of its day.  Many popular cartoons of the era had these quarterly fanclub-type magazines and they were all extremely interchangeable.  The Real Ghostbusters had one, as I recall, and it was almost exactly the same (it may have even been published by Welsh, but I'm not sure).  There was a LOT of filler that only tangentially related to the brand (science articles, safety tips, cheap magic tricks you can do in the kitchen, shit like that) with the comics and maybe even the text stories being the highlight.

But when comics like THIS are the highlight of your magazine, then in retrospect it was probably a shitty magazine.

TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze: Official Movie Magazine

Originally published by: Welsh Publishing
Publication date: 1991

Contents:

This special issue contained only behind-the-scenes features on the film "TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze".  It contained no comics.  I'm including it in my archive for posterity.


Turtle Tips:

*This issue was published in 1991, but the cover and indicia do not provide a month.  Since the "TMNT II" movie came out in March of that year, I'm going to assume the issue was published sometime before that, early in 1991.  It was likely published between TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #2 and TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #3.

*This issue was published as a special and is not part of the numbered TMNT Magazine series.  Confusingly, coverage of "TMNT: The Movie" and "TMNT III" were provided by numbered issues in the series: TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #1 and TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #12, respectively.


Review:

Like I said, nothing to review.  But people have been a little confused, thinking this issue is part of the numbered TMNT Magazine series and wondering why I "skipped" it.  To curb such confusion, I'm throwing this info up in the index.

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #12

Publication date: Spring, 1993


Turtle Tips:

*This issue was preceded by TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #11.  The next and final issue is TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #13.

*This special issue contained only behind the scenes content regarding the "TMNT III" feature film.  It contained no comics.

*This issue was published with 2 variant covers: A lenticular "3-D" photo cover and a movie poster cover.


Review:

Nothing to review, here.  Though thanks to tmnt-ninjaturtles.com for the movie poster cover scan.

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #11

Publication date: Winter, 1993

Story: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)

Pencils: Brian Thomas

Inks: Dan Berger

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Cover: Michael Dooney

“‘Twas the Night Before Christmas…”

Summary:

It’s Christmas Eve and April O’Neil reports on a rash of Santa Claus muggings that have been plaguing the city.  Bebop and Rocksteady are behind it, of course, mugging every street corner Santa that’s been collecting for charity.

They see a Santa perched on a rooftop and run to hold him up.  They reach the roof and seize his sack of presents.  Before they can make off with the loot, the Turtles arrive and strike a pose.

A fight breaks out and in the chaos, Donatello slips on a patch of ice and goes tumbling off the roof.  Santa catches him and calls him out by name.  Donatello doesn’t know how this street corner Santa could know his name unless he was… the REAL Santa Claus!

Santa gives each of the Turtles a gift and then proceeds to give gifts to Bebop and Rocksteady.  The evil mutants are confused, as they’re pretty sure they belong on the naughty list.  Raphael is irate, too, as why should the villains get gifts when they haven’t earned them?

Santa boards his sleigh, but as he departs he tells the Turtles that the holiday season isn’t just about being naughty and nice, but about forgiveness and compassion.  He suggests that extending an olive branch of peace in the form of a gift can do wonders to mend old wounds and bring even enemies together as friends.

As they all watch Santa ride off into the night sky, Bebop and Rocksteady apologize to the Turtles for giving them such a hard time.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #10.  The next issue, TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #12, does not contain any comic content.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #13.

Review:

Awwww, what a load of saccharine mush.  Perfect for Christmas!

Actually, this whole strip kind of reminded me of the old Fruity Pebbles commercial they used to run during Christmas for decades (have they retired it?).  You know, the one where Barney dresses like Santa to steal Fred’s Pebbles, but then the real Santa shows up.  Fred is about to justifiably wreck Barney’s shit, but Santa suggests that the old enemies should put aside their grudges for the holidays (because in the Fruity Pebbles offshoot of the Flintstones multiverse, Fred and Barney are apparently bitter rivals).  So Barney gets a bowl of Pebbles even though he’s been an asshole all year and doesn’t deserve them.

That’s essentially what’s going on here, even if it does sort of give the kids the wrong message and defeat the entire purpose of the Santa Claus myth (it’s SUPPOSED to make kids behave year-round under the threat of no presents).  I mean, shit, if you can rob and steal and STILL get gifts every Christmas, then what’s the point of the naughty and nice lists?

Maybe the whole message about forgiving trespasses and quelling feuds would have been better served for a New Year’s Eve comic.  Isn’t that what Auld Lang Syne is all about?

Anyway, hey, this comic was six pages!  And it was by Brian Thomas, too.  Thomas was an irregular contributor to Archie’s TMNT Adventures series, usually working in the seasonal specials, and one of their better back-up artists.  His layouts have much more energy to them than Lawson’s have and they’re pretty elaborate and energetic for what’s essentially just a goofy short in a children’s magazine.  

I love the page 4 layouts especially.  The action on the sides is pretty brutal as the Turtles land some devastating hits on the bad guys, but overlaid on top of that are some diagonal panels showing Donatello comically slipping on the ice with cartoonish visuals.  It’s a nice contrast that offsets the aforementioned violence that on its own might have been too much for a comic aimed at very small children.

All in all, I think I like this comic more for the art than the message.  Not that the message in itself is bad, mind you, it just doesn’t really gel with the character of Santa Claus, whose entire function is to determine which children get gifts and which don’t based on the merits of their behavior.

TMNT Magazne (Welsh) #10

Publication date: Fall, 1992

Story: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Cover: Michael Dooney

“Trick or Treat”

Summary:

On Halloween the Turtles decide to investigate a weird house they’ve been hearing about.  Evidently, monsters live there and have been stealing the candy from trick-or-treaters all night.

The Turtles ring the doorbell and are roared at by Count Dracula, the Wolf Man, the Mummy and the Frankenstein monster.  The monsters steal their bags of candy and slam the door, however, the Turtles recognize their voices.

They kick in the door and discover that the Wolf Man and Frankenstein are none other than Bebop and Rocksteady, cleverly using the disguises to purloin candy.  The Turtles attack, but the Mummy and Count Dracula are revealed to be Foot Soldiers.

While they’re busy dismantling the robots, Bebop and Rocksteady beat a hasty retreat.  They don’t make it past the front yard before they’re halted by REAL monsters.  The two mutants promptly faint and drop their bags of stolen candy.

The Turtles catch up with them and wonder what could have been scary enough to make the evil thugs pass out.  Not far away, a gang of little kids in monster costumes recover their stolen candy.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #9.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #11.

Review:

You know, if I was actually any good at paying attention to the calendar and reviewing seasonal stories on time, I might have done this comic on Halloween instead of Christmas.  Ah well.

Anyhow, here’s another of the “Bebop and Rocksteady are inconveniencing everybody” comic strips that dot the back end of Welsh’s TMNT Magazine.  I love how utterly smalltime this story is; I genuinely believe that stealing candy from children is something Bebop and Rocksteady would stoop low enough to.  Yeah, the ending is dumb but so are all these comics; it’s the situation that’s really amusing.  Not just that, but the fact that they apparently appropriated two Foot Soldiers from the Shredder to aid them in their rascally scheme.

There’s also the matter of Bebop and Rocksteady having to wear rubber disguises to scare people; like their mutant faces wouldn’t be frightening to little children.  But then, if any of the people in this TMNT universe watch April O’Neil’s nightly news reports, and witness the near daily defeats of Bebop and Rocksteady, I can understand why no one would find those two the least bit frightening.

Alright, now let’s see if I can’t get the Christmas issue done today instead of, like, on Valentine’s Day or something…

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #9

Publication date: Summer, 1992

Story: Michael Dooney

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Cover: Michael Dooney

“A Knight in the Sewer”

Summary:

The Turtles are walking down a familiar sewer tunnel when suddenly they see an old wooden doorway appear before them.  There is an inscription that reads, “Do not enter.  The king who was and will be again rests within.”  Raphael, being ever curious, forces the door in so they can see what’s inside.

Leo grabs a lit torch off the wall and they all start to notice how medieval everything looks.  They come across a stone lion which suddenly springs to life and attacks.  The Turtles fight back, but their weapons can’t scratch it.

A knight in shining armor then appears and bids the unseen presence of Merlin to calm the lion.  The knight apologizes to the Turtles, recognizing their valor and pure heartedness.  He says that he doesn’t know how they entered his medieval realm, but he’ll use the magic of his sword to send them home.

The Turtles suddenly reappear in the lair.  Raphael wonders who the guy in armor was, leaving Donatello to suggest it was their “lucky knight”.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #8.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #10.

Review:

Hey, a story written by Michael Dooney?  Now there’s a rarity.  I don’t think Dooney ever wrote a story he didn’t also draw.  I wonder how this opportunity popped up?

Anyway, it fits in with most of the other comics in this magazine, being short and full of puns.  I’m actually a little surprised this story didn’t segue into an appearance from King Lionheart, a character from the 1991 Playmates action figure line.  Hey, with Hothead, Ray Fillet and Sgt. Bananas already having appeared in this comic, can you blame me for assuming that a story themed around lions and medieval knights would feature a medieval lion-knight from the toyline?

The knight with the magic sword resting in the king’s tomb and yammering about Merlin… I think we can all put together who he’s supposed to be.  It would actually be pretty amusing to think that the great King Arthur came back from the grave only to get mutated into a silly-looking lion-guy.  King Lionheart’s toy bio says he was just a Shakespearian actor whom the Shredder mutated, but it DID say that he wielded the blade “Extra-cool Excalibur” and referred to him as the “King Arthur of the city sewers” so there may be a little leeway.

Anyhow, a fun 4-pager but not much else to say about it.

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #7

Publication date: Winter, 1992

Plot: Ryan Brown

Story: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Cover: Michael Dooney

“Motorhead”

Summary:

As April taxis the Turtles around town in the Party Wagon, they hear a strange news report: Someone, or something, has been stealing gas from all the service stations in New York.  The Turtles are thrilled with the news, as it may lead to mankind becoming less dependent on fossil fuels that pollute the atmosphere.

Unfortunately, the culprit is the mutant muscle car-man Motorhead.  He’s taken control of several cars in town and plans to use them to take over the world, polluting the air with carbon monoxide.  The Turtles leap from the Party Wagon to take him on, but he uses his muscle car army to keep them at bay.

By slashing their tires and taking control of their steering wheels, the Turtles get through the muscle cars and make it to Motorhead.  Before he can do battle, he begins to sputter and falls asleep.  Likewise, all the muscle cars under his control suddenly power down. 

Evidently, they were revving their engines so much that they wasted all their gas.  Even worse news for Motorhead: Now he’s double-parked!  As the meter maid writes him a ticket, the Turtles laugh.

“Garfield Meets the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

Writer: Jim Davis

Paws Inc. artists: Gary Barker and Larry Fentz

Turtles inker: Peter Laird

Turtles letterer: Mary Kelleher

Coloring: Steve Lavigne

Dressed as a Ninja Turtle, Garfield (the cat) makes his way down to the sewer lair and introduces himself to his “brothers”.  He even brings his own ninja weapon: A pizza cutter. 

He tells the other Ninja Turtles that they’re free to go out and fight crime while he stays in the lair and guards their pizza stash.  Suddenly, Garfield’s sidekick arrives… Odie, wearing his fake turtle shell on his head.

The Turtles figure out Garfield’s ruse and kick him out of the lair.

“Three Dudes and the Beanstalk”

Text story by: Adam Philips

Illustration by: Ken Steacy

Master Splinter has left the lair and in his absence, Leo, Raph and Don have decided to pick on Mikey by stealing his skateboard and nunchakus.  Mikey starts to get mad, but figures he can use a nonviolent approach to convince them to quit.  So he sits them down and tells them the tale of three rude dudes named Larry, Ralph and Dan…

Larry, Ralph and Dan were the rudest teens in their village and they liked to steal shit… blah blah blah… they find a giant bean stalk… who gives a shit… they steal a golden harp, a goose that lays golden eggs and golden cufflinks from a giant… Jesus Christ… the giant chases them down the beanstalk and they fall and break their arms and legs… The fucking End.

Mikey asks if the other Turtles understand the moral.  They tell him his story was dumb.  Just then, Master Splinter comes home and, having heard the tale, also tells Michelangelo it was awful.  Then they all laugh at Michelangelo and wow, this thing really turned around in the last couple sentences.  Not bad.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #6.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #8.

Review:

Well, there are a variety of stories to talk about in this issue of TMNT Magazine.  All of them are pretty lame, so let’s not waste time.

Steve Murphy’s story sucks, though Motorhead looks like he would have transitioned into a Playmates action figure with relative ease.  Likely, this was one of many “pitches” to Playmates; the Mirage crew often used their comics as a means to shill ideas to Playmates for future action figures.  In regards to the toys, some of my favorites were the mutants who were people combined with inanimate objects rather than animals.  They were the rare ones in that line, guys like Muck Man and Mutagen Man and Pizzaface, so Motorhead would have definitely stood out in the collection.

The plot, though, is more of the usual from Steve Murphy.  The Turtles actually celebrate the theft of gasoline because fossil fuels are totally bogus, dude.  Save the Ozone layer!  The stream of puns during the fight with Motorhead’s muscle cars are kind of amusing, but in the most droll manner possible. 

Also, this comic came out at a time when Lawson was really tinkering with his art style.  You could see it in contemporary Turtle publications like TMNT Volume 2, but there’s an aesthetic choice present in this story that I’m glad Lawson decided not to keep: Giving female characters beady little eyes, no visible noses and puffy circles for lips.  He was really pushing that design choice in the early '90s and good lord, it made his women look like blow-up dolls.  I think “Sweat, Sweat Sweet Renet” was his worst offender.  Glad he dropped it after only a couple of years; it really looked terrible.

Next up is the one-page story featuring Garfield.  Now ‘n days, instead of making jokes, Garfield is the butt of jokes and everyone harps on how unfunny his comic strip is, how terrible his live action movies are and how soulless and poorly animated his new TV series is.  It’s all true.  But back in the '80s and early '90s, Garfield was some pretty good shit.  His TV specials were often experimental in animation and storytelling and his TV series Garfield and Friends holds up especially well after all these years.  The comic strip was on the decline by ’92, yeah, but after Garfield's existential crisis in '89 (an actual storyline), the strip had kind of reached its zenith.

Anyway, that tangent on Garfield aside, this strip is on par with the humor found in other Garfield strips of the day.  Not really… funny, no, but you can tell there’s sort of a joke in there somewhere.  I recently watched a video tour of Jim Davis’ Paws Inc. studio in Indiana and man, Garfield is a fucking INDUSTRY.  So no surprise that this strip was delegated to others to complete and wasn’t wholly a Jim Davis product (Peter Laird on inks was a surprise, admittedly).  These days, Davis actually delegates most of the comic strip duties to a team of writers, inkers and colorists (though he apparently still pencils it).  Didn’t know he’d been doing that since 1992.

And we close with a text story.  It’s shit, but historically, text stories have ALWAYS been shit.  On purpose, too.  In the Golden Age of comic magazines, they were only included so that the books could qualify for second rate postage and save the publisher money.  No one ever liked them.  EVER.

I will give credit, though: The mean-spirited ending completely took me by surprise.  Everyone just cold laughs at what a fucktard Michelangelo is, even Master Splinter, and nobody learns a damn thing.  I wonder if the author was operating under the assumption that no one would actually READ his text story and so he just went ahead and gave it a cruel twist ending.  It’s actually the most entertaining thing ABOUT this issue.

Holy shit.  The text story was the most interesting thing in this magazine.  That’s really fucking bad.

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #6

Publication date: Fall, 1991

Story: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Cover: Michael Dooney

“Dino A Go-Go”

Summary:

The Turtles continue their journey through the rain forest with Jagwar as their guide.  He shows them a strip mining operation that threatens to destroy the ecosystem and poison other ecosystems by washing chemicals down-river.  However, there is nothing they can do to stop the legal mining operation (which also uses forced labor, apparently).

Jagwar then takes them to a special place man does not know about so that they can save some very special animals from the deforestation.  They come across a herd of parasaurolophi… dinosaurs!  The last of their kind.  He explains that they have existed peacefully in the rain forest for millions of years, but humanity’s greed and destructive impulses now threaten them.

The Turtles and Jagwar round the parasaurolophi up and ride them to a tepui mankind does not know about.  They take them through a secret entrance and release them into the grotto so they can live peacefully once more in a place where man can never find them.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #5.  The story continues in TMNT (Welsh) #7.

*The plot in which the Turtles journey with Jagwar into the heart of the rain forest and discover a lost world populated by dinosaurs is partially recycled from TMNT Adventures #15, which was published in October, 1990.

Review:

Do you feel guilty, yet?  Huh?  I bet you thought a meteor or an ice age or something like that killed the dinosaurs, didn’t you?  Well you were WRONG!  It was corporate-authorized deforestation of the Amazon rain forest, using forced labor and poisoning the water sources with dangerous strip-mining chemicals!

And it’s all YOUR fault.

It’s a good thing we have guys like Steve Murphy around to tell us how awful we are, or we might be able to go five whole minutes without feeling guilty about something.  Shame.  Shame on us all.

Anyway, this concludes the only story arc in Welsh’s TMNT Magazine: A 3-issue truncation of the South American tour arc that had recently completed in Archie’s TMNT Adventures comic. If it weren’t for Sgt. Bananas showing up at the start of the trilogy, I’d have written the whole thing off.

It’s still pretty bad, though.  More of Murphy’s smug, self-satisfying admonishments of that nebulous entity known as “man” and the various awful things it does.

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #5

Publication date: Summer, 1991

Story: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Cover: Michael Dooney

“Wildcat Blues”

Summary:

In the rain forest, the Turtles have tracked down a band of ocelot poachers.  They try to sneak up on them, but the poachers hear them and open fire with their machine guns.  The Turtles retreat as the poachers escape with the caged wildcats.

The Turtles follow the trail left by the poachers, which leads them to a jaguar-shaped temple in the jungle.  Suddenly, they’re attacked by Jagwar, who mistakes them for more poachers.  Jagwar slices off Raph’s bandana in his anger, but Leonardo calms him by reminding him that they’re friends.

Jagwar apologizes for not recognizing them at first and then invites them back into his temple.  Inside, they find the poachers trapped in their own cages with the ocelots freely stalking around them.  Michelangelo thinks the reversal of situations is “cool for cats”.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #4.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #6.

*The title “Wildcat Blues” is a riff on “Puma Blues”, a comic Steve Murphy (Dean Clarrain) wrote and published through Mirage.

*Unlike many of the mutant characters who made their first appearance in this magazine, Jagwar was first introduced in TMNT Adventures #14 (September, 1990).

Review:

The only story arc in TMNT Magazine continues, with the Turtles fighting more stereotypical crime in South America.  Last time it was deforestation, this time it’s poaching.  The South American tour arc of TMNT Adventures wasn’t one of its more graceful storylines and this little trilogy is basically that arc in miniature.  I guess in this way it’s a bit more digestible, though it’ll still make your stomach hurt.

Since Jagwar had already been introduced to the public in TMNT Adventures, the Turtles treat him as an old friend in this story (much like Man Ray in TMNT Magazine #1).  It’s the opposite of characters like Warrior Dragon and Nocturno, who were introduced here before getting bigger roles in the Archie book.  The continuities are still unconnected, but it’s neat to see the synergy between the two publications; Murphy was pretty much operating under the assumption that his Magazine readers were familiar with Adventures.

Now, having Jagwar fight the Turtles when he first meets them and then remember that they’re friends (because they already met in another book that’s unconnected to this one) is a little odd.  I mean, he mistakes them for poachers?  In broad daylight?  Then again, Jagwar’s first appearance in TMNT Adventures and this issue are only separated by half a year; maybe Murphy rewrote this script to account for Jagwar’s previous introduction and the rewrites didn’t really sync up with… logic.  I dunno.  It’s more thought than these four pages deserve.

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #4

Publication date: Spring, 1991

Plot: Ryan Brown

Script: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)

Art: Jim Lawson

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Lettering: Mary Kelleher

Cover: Michael Dooney

“Bungle in the Jungle”

Summary:

Apparently, when the Turtles heard about the massive deforestation of the Amazon rain forest, they hurried to South America to try and put a stop to it.  They were ultimately captured by a lumberjack (apparently working for McDonald’s because that makes lots of sense) and tied to a tree.  Now, let’s see how the Turtles get out of THIS one…

The lumberjack looms closer to the Turtles with his chainsaw, angry that they tried to “come between man and the forest”.  He’s about to saw them into pieces when a small monkey drops a coconut on his head.  The lumberjack yells at the monkey when a gargantuan gorilla dressed in commando gear appears behind him.

The gorilla disarms the lumberjack, but the villain calls in more of his friends.  The Turtles wish they could even the odds, but they’re still bound.  The small monkey chews through their bonds, though, and they join the fray.  Ultimately, the lumberjacks are defeated.

When the fighting is through, the gorilla introduces himself as Guerilla Gorilla and shakes Leonardo’s hand.  Donatello asks what business an African gorilla has in South America and Guerilla replies: “Monkey business”.  Because we all needed to hear that, today.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #3.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #5.

*Guerilla Gorilla is the same character as the Playmates toyline character Sergeant Bananas (whose toy even sports a nametag reading "Guerilla" on it).  Much like Warrior Dragon/Hothead and Man Ray/Ray Fillet, he received a name-change between comic and toy either due to marketing or trademark issues.

*So far as I know, this is Guerilla Gorilla/Sgt. Bananas’ only appearance in fiction.

Review:

Sergeant Bananas.  Wow.  I love these comics.  They’re such a weird little treasure trove of TMNT odds and ends, introducing prototypes of characters who would go on to appear in Archie’s TMNT Adventures comic or just the Playmates toyline.  These aren’t, uh, GOOD comics.  No, they aren’t that.  But they’re definitely fascinating for the character selection.

The plot, of course, hinges on more of Steve Muphy’s (Clarrain’s) eco preaching and in 4 pages it all feels a bit muddled and half-baked.  The Turtles rush to South America to save the rain forests, as they consider the lumber industry to be villains and criminals.  Okay, sure.  But why does the lumberjack work for McDonald’s?  I’m guessing Murphy wanted something with a symbol that represents “corporate America” and the double arches had the most brand recognition, but unless he’s chopping down those trees to make paper cups and straw wrappers, the commentary doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  Murphy could’ve just put a generic “Evil Co.” logo on his shirt.

Of note, though, is that this issue actually initiates a 3-issue story arc; the ONLY story arc in TMNT Magazine.  Weird.  It's more "save the rain forest" stuff, so don't get too excited.

Anyway, not a good story, but darnit if I’m not happy to see a forgotten Playmates toy character get at least one scrap of fiction.  I’m not exactly holding my breath for Monty Moose or Halfcourt to show up later on (they don’t), but this was still a pleasant surprise.

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #3

Publication date: Winter, 1991

Plot: Ryan Brown

Script: Dean Clarrain

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Colors: Mark Martin

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Cover: Michael Dooney

“Beat or be Eaten”

Summary:

It's late night in South Bronx and the Turtles are about to have a pizza party in the middle of the street.  They’re anxiously awaiting Master Splinter, who was charged with bringing the drinks, but he’s late.  They spot some broken soda bottles in the street and hear evil laughter coming from the bell tower of a nearby church.  Leo orders Don and Mike to stay behind while he and Raph see what’s up.

Entering the bell tower, they find Splinter tied to the church bell as a mutant owl named Nocturno prepares to gobble him up.  They demand that he unhand their sensei and Nocturno attacks.  As Leo frees Splinter, Raph tackles Nocturno off the balcony and sends him plummeting down to the street.

Nocturno lands face-first in Michelangelo’s pizza and remarks that this dish is much tastier than rodents.  Splinter reunites with his students and proclaims that they’ve turned an enemy into a friend.  As Michelangelo watches Nocturno devour his pizza, he isn’t so sure he wants to be friends.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #2.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #4.

*This marks the first appearance of Nocturno, who would later appear in TMNT Adventures #27 as a member of the Uncanny Trio. 

Review:

Hey, one of the Uncanny Trio actually got a spotlight story!  Didn't see that coming.

We don’t really learn much about Nocturno (this isn’t exactly the most revealing villain focus), though I guess the knowledge that he wants to eat Splinter is a little unsettling.  The Uncanny Trio were almost never used in TMNT Adventures (one of their two appearances actually went unpublished), so I guess we have to take what we can get.  The team always worked in unison and sort of had a Huey, Dewie and Louie hive mind thing going on; the characters weren’t distinct beyond their species.

Like the Warrior Dragon story from last issue, "Beat or be Eaten" feels like a test run or teaser for the full issue featuring Nocturno published in TMNT Adventures.  At the very least, the setup for the conclusion is similar (the Turtles hunting down a kidnapped friend to a church's steeple/bell tower, battling Nocturno and sending him plummeting over a balcony).

Perhaps alarming is that the Turtles and Master Splinter (!) have planned a midnight pizza party in the streets of South Bronx for no reason whatsoever.  Are they concerned in the slightest about being seen by humans?  I guess the Turtles are the only New Yorkers brave enough to set foot outside in the Bronx after sundown.

Anyhow, like Warrior Dragon who came before him, Nocturno had his genesis in TMNT Magazine, making this another somewhat “neat” issue if you’re into that sort of minutia.  So even the superficially forgettable gag strips in this mag have their place in Ninja Turtle history, it seems.

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #2

Publication date: Fall, 1990

Originally published by: Welsh Publishing

Plot: Ryan Brown

Script: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Cover: Michael Dooney

“The Warrior Dragon”

Summary:

As the Turtles search through Chinatown for a gift for Splinter, they’re suddenly caught in a downpour.  They duck inside a curio shop and the owner greets them warmly.  Michelangelo is immediately drawn to a red dragon-shaped bottle, but the curio shop owner says that it isn’t for sale.  Instead, he offers to show them a flat-bottomed wok good for cooking pizzas and the Turtles try to convince him to give them a “free demo”.

Suddenly, a gang of hoodlums kick the door in.  They’re upset at the curio shop owner for missing his “protection” payment and say they’re going to destroy his shop to teach him a lesson.  The Turtles intervene, but the fight begins to get out of hand, wrecking the shop anyway.

With no alternative, the curio shop owner spikes the red bottle on the ground, shattering it.  From the smoke, a large creature calling itself the Warrior Dragon emerges.  It challenges the punks to a battle and the youths immediately flee in terror.  The Warrior Dragon then vanishes as quickly as it came.

As the curio shop owner collects the pieces, he tells the Turtles that the Dragon has “expressed itself” and needn’t linger any longer.  He likens his speedy departure to the rain clouds which, now that they’re emptied themselves, have parted to let the sunshine through.  The Turtles are glad things worked out, but still insist on the free demo of that pizza wok.

Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #1.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #3.

*The Warrior Dragon’s origin as depicted in the Archie series, in TMNT Adventures #20, was considerably different.  In this incarnation, the character of Chu Hsi is omitted entirely.

*And as a reminder, the character of Warrior Dragon is the same as the Playmates toyline character Hothead, albeit with yellow scales rather than red.

*The curio shop owner is not named in the comic, but in the Archie series he was identified as Fu Sheng.

Review:

This is one of the alternate origins that firmly sets the Welsh TMNT Magazine continuity apart from the Archie TMNT Adventures continuity.  A bit of a shame, as TMNT Magazine might have been a good place for some “bonus” TMNT Adventures shorts, but eh, what’s done is done.

If all the dates are accurate, this comic actually represents the first appearance of Warrior Dragon/Hothead.  This issue of TMNT Magazine came out in Fall of 1990, Archie’s TMNT Adventures #20 came out in May of 1991, and Playmates’ Hothead action figure was released in the 1992 assortment.

So when you read this story, it’s basically a blueprint for the TMNT Adventures issue (and later, the bio on the back of Hothead’s action figure).  Dean Clarrain (Steven Murphy) would later pump it up by adding Chu Hsi to the mix, giving Warrior Dragon a stronger identity.  As he appears in this story, oh so briefly, he’s basically just a genie in a bottle that says “boo” and vanishes.  His participation in the story is so minimal, it almost feels like this is Clarrain’s way of teasing the meatier tale that would appear in TMNT Adventures the following year.

Being the first appearance of Warrior Dragon, this story’s a bit more interesting than the others published in TMNT Magazine.  But the historical/niche value is really all it has going for it.  I don’t really have anything else to say other than Hothead’s quote from his toy packaging is pretty hilarious: “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll BURN YOUR FACE OFF!”

TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #1

Publication date: Summer, 1990

Originally published by: Welsh Publishing

Plot: Ryan Brown

Script: Dean Clarrain

Pencils: Jim Lawson

Inks: Dan Berger

Colors: Steve Lavigne

Letters: Mary Kelleher

Cover: Michael Dooney

“Seafood Surprise!”

Summary:

Apparently, the newspaper reporter Stanley Stobbs has been on the verge of exposing the Shredder’s underworld crime syndicate to the masses.  To silence him, the Shredder sends Bebop and Rocksteady to poison the tap water of a local seafood restaurant where Stobbs is dining.  The waiter draws a glass of water to serve to Stobbs.

At the counter service, Michelangelo is trying to order a couple of seafood pizzas with a bunch of weird shit on them for his brothers and Ray Fillet (Man Ray).  Stobbs, who is dining on lobsters, takes a sip of his water and suddenly mutates into a gargantuan lobster-man that can only scream “Aba-Laba-Lob-Ster!” and “I want my lob-sters!”

Stobbs crashes through the kitchen, demanding to have his lobsters to go and empties the restaurant’s whole tank.  He bursts through the wall onto the pier and is confronted by the Turtles and Ray Fillet.  Thinking the Turtles are trying to steal his lobsters, he attacks them and they get into a fight.

After a few seconds, Ray Fillet calls off the fight and explains to Stobbs that he can’t EAT lobsters because he IS a lobster.  Stobbs is saddened, but Ray Fillet assures him that he’ll learn to enjoy life in the ocean and that there’ll be plenty of lobsters for him to hang out with.  As Stobbs and Ray Fillet head to the water, Michelangelo remarks that Ray is the “least shellfish guy” he knows.  Gah.

Turtle Tips:

*The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #2.

*Being a magazine, this and every other issue contain additional content such as articles, safety tips, tutorials, games and the occasional behind the scenes stuff.  I will only be covering the comic content in my reviews.

*While some might feel inclined to categorize these TMNT Magazine strips as part of the Archie TMNT Adventures universe due to the creative team, storytelling/art style and the characters involved, future issues will include conflicting origins for established Archie characters, rendering the continuity incompatible.  Maybe they're canon with the TMNT Cereal comics, though?  Who the hell knows.

*On the cover you’ll see a poster for The Puma Blues.  The Puma Blues was a comic written by Mirage staffer Steve Murphy that occasionally contained Ninja Turtles content.

Review:

Special thanks are in order for several members of The Technodrome Forums, including "Enscripture" and "Wilddiverse", for helping me get my hands on these obscure, long-forgotten comics.  I appreciate it, guys!

Anyhow, the majority of these little four-page jobs are formulaically identical.  Someone or something gets mutated, the Turtles fight it, they win, there’s a bad pun in the last panel.  There are a few exceptions, but that’s mostly how it goes.

That said, they boast an assortment of familiar supporting characters from the Archie comics as well as one or two characters from the Playmates toyline who never got ANY media support elsewhere.  As such, they’re neat little curiosities.

“Seafood Surprise!” in particular features an original villain in Stanley Stobbs.  He isn’t given a mutant name, unless Murphy (Clarrain) intended for “Aba-Laba-Lobster” to actually be his new identity (or "Lobsterdude" like on the cover?).  It’s a goofy little comedy relief strip and there isn’t much to talk about, BUT I do find Shredder’s implied cruelty sort of interesting.  Rather than kill the people who would challenge him, he turns them into hideous monsters that will be ostracized by society and forced into reclusive lives of shame and misery.  That’s kind of WORSE than just straight up murdering them, isn’t it?

Also, hey, Man Ray!  Or Ray Fillet.  Whatever.  Ray usually amounts to Buzzkill: The Character, since whenever he shows up in the Archie Comics it’s to initiate a plot involving whaling or deforestation or some other environmental concern.  Luckily, the four-page gag nature of this strip doesn’t allot him enough time to bring everybody down with his Captain Planet routine.  He DOES manage to slip in a line about there being “a few lobsters left”, passive-aggressively admonishing the excessive trapping of New England’s lobster population to appease human consumption.  But whatever.  If you want to read a terrible Man Ray story, go check out Mighty Mutanimals #8 and then get back to me.

Anyway, I’m not going to grade these because they’re kind of dumb and short, but neat nevertheless.